always !
A hot time in the old town tonight (or: rebels without a cause)
Amherst residents may consider themselves the nec plus altra of cultural sophistication and political morality, but the fact remains that this is in many ways a typical provincial town.
Face it, we're not exactly leading "la vida loca" (or, as we used to say in the 19th century, in what passed for multiculturalism back then, "la vie bohême").
Witness these highlights from the police blotter of the authoritative Amherst Bulletin. Just the facts, Ma'am:

First, an item from the recent past, in order to establish a fitting tone:

• Monday, 18 September 2000

"Suspicious activity 9:19 a.m. An East Pleasant Street resident told police that a man has been using his yard as a bathroom."

As in many of these cases, the dedicated journalist was so intent on conveying the dramatic news to the public that he sacrificed clarity of meaning for punctuality. Because the pronoun's antecedent is unclear, we cannot tell whose yard the man was using "as a bathroom"—presumably a euphemism, but in this town, and with this sort of writing, who can tell?

Put down that doughnut, clear off your desk and dig out that manual of style!

And, so as to show that the élite town of Amherst does not have a monopoly on excitement, a sample from the good town of Hadley:

• "Police said a person contacted them Sept. 25 [2000] at 12:41 p.m. to check a car for the presence of a chemical agent and radioactivity. Police found nothing out of the ordinary during an investigation."

No doubt someone made a bundle in the betting pool when that result was revealed.

The caller in the preceding story was obviously deranged and nervous. The following one, by contrast, was evidently of a much more sanguine disposition:

"Police said they received a call from a Mount Warner Road resident Sept. 28 [2000] at 1:28 p.m. that a hand grenade had been found the previous week."

A sensible reader would of course ask: Why in the world did the person wait a week before turning in such a dangerous object? After all, if you've already had the thing for a week, why not just hang onto it? Was it past its expiration date??

Then again, even the hardened criminal element in Hadley seems to be pretty laid-back:

"A man has been charged with breaking and entering in the nighttime after he was found asleep in the home he broke into, police said.
"[NN], 20, of Gray Street, was arrested Sept. 30 [2000] at 2:02 a.m. on the second floor of a Taylor Street home, police said.
"The homeowner called police when she found [him] inside her house."

•Sunday, 30 December 2001

Suspicious activity 1:29 a.m. Police determined that two people leaving Video to Go after it had closed were just a manager and an employee.

Disturbances 6:19 p.m. Police calmed down Glendale Road girls who were out of control.

• Saturday, 29 December 2001

Suspicious activity 4:54 p.m. A man crawling in the middle of Main Street who was nearly hit by a passing vehicle was gone when police got there.
(The report of course makes it sound as if we wish the man had crawled more slowly or been hit [or both] so that police could have found him. Indeed, many reports describe situations that no longer obtain by the time police arrive on the scene, thereby lending an air of mystery [or futility] to the tale. —JW)

• Friday, 28 December 2001

Suspicious Activity 10:20 p.m. Gun shots in the area of Mill Valley Estates were quiet when police got there.
(This illiterate and illogical locution seems to be a favorite of the newspaper whenever reports of noise are involved. The sound of gun shots does not endure for more than a moment. What the journalist obviously means is that the shooting had ceased. It should not be terribly difficult to say what one means. This is local journalism, after all, not philosophy.—JW)

• Thursday, 27 December 2001

Vandalism 2:20 p.m. A garage door at an East Pleasant Street home was damaged when someone hit it with an orange.

• Thursday, 20 December 2001

Suspicious Activity 8:05 a.m. Police received a report that a man entered Starbucks, showed a pocket knife[,] and then asked an employee, 'I wonder if you've been naughty or nice?' before fleeing the store.

Noise Complaints 3:09 a.m. Neighbors called police to complain about loud noise at a Belchertown Road residence. Police determined that books had just fallen from a shelf.

• Wednesday, 19 December 2001

Animal Complaints 2:53 p.m. A cow loose in the middle of Meadow Street was put back in its pen. Four hours later, the cow, which had been tranquilized by its owner, got loose again and was wandering on North Pleasant Street.

• Monday, 17 December 2001

Suspicious Activity 1:47 p.m. A man allegedly left obscene materials in the area of the Amtrak station. Police determined that the materials were just clippings from the Valley Advocate.