contents
Why a dog lifts its leg |
Classified dog ads |
|
How to bathe a cat |
Doggy
Definitions |
|
A Dog's-Eye View of Obedience Class |
A (K)night Like This |
You know you are a dog person...
|
Reasons Dogs Can't Use Computers |
|
If
Dogs Ran the Donahue Show |
If Dogs Ran the World |
|
Crazy Like a Dog |
Sleep-Deprived |
|
Let Sleeping Dogs Lie |
That Personal Touch |
|
Faithful Dog |
Untranslatable |
|
The Value of a Good Dog |
The Origin of Pets |
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How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb/ |
You might be a Doghead |
|
An Ideal Wedding (proper priorities) |
|
|
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Why
a dog lifts its leg
Of
all the eminent philosophers of Chelm [Jewish town in Eastern
Europe, renowned for the foolishness of its inhabitants—a
Yiddish equivalent of Gotham; JW], the only one who had never
been confounded by a difficult question was the extraordinary
thinker, Lemach. A group of students came to him one day,
seeking to best him with their most puzzling riddles.
"Tell us, O great Lemach," said the spokesman, "why
does a dog wag its tail?"
"You really should not bring me such simple questions,"
Lemach answered. "The dog is stronger than its tail.
Otherwise the tail would wag the dog."
Another student asked, "Why does the hair on a man's
head turn gray sooner than his beard?"
"It is because the hair on his head is twenty years older
than his beard."
Again he was questioned: "Why is the sea salty?"
"Because," replied Lemach without hesitation, "so
many salty herrings live in it."
Finally
the students asked the one question which they were sure he
could not answer. "All our lives," explained the
spokesman, "we have noticed that whenever a dog passes
water he holds up one leg. Pray will you tell us, why is this?"
"Surely you know the answer to that!" exclaimed
Lemach. "It started thousands of years ago when a dog
stopped at a tree to relieve his bladder. Suddenly a storm
arose and a bolt of lightning felled the tree. The crashing
trunk struck the little dog and killed it. Ever since then,"
concluded Lemach, "whenever a dog relieves himself he
holds up the tree with his leg so it won't fall on him."
—Encyclopedia
of Jewish Humor From Biblical Times to the Modern Age,
ed. Henry D. Spalding (NY: Jonathan David, 1979), p. 130
The
following were actually (allegedly) taken from classified ads
in newspapers:
• FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE
DOG.
• FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S
DOG
• FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART STUPID DOG
• GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
• FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT
AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD.
Subject:
How to bathe a cat
1.
Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water,
and have both lids lifted. 3. Obtain the cat and soothe him
while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close
both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot
escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close
to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase
they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "powerwash
and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that
there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly
lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run
outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely, The DOG
Doggy
Definitions
LEASH:
A strap that attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead
your person where you want him/her to go.
DOG
BED:
Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the
guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL:
Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't.‹
To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look
sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on
their laps.
SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other
dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's
rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until
your person makes you stop. This can also be done to humans'
crotches.
GARBAGE
CAN:
A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test
your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to
push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right, you are
rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume,
and moldy crusts of bread.
BICYCLES:
Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control
body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind
a bush and dash out, bark loudly, and run alongside for a
few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes,
and you prance away.
DEAFNESS:
This is a malady that affects dogs when their person wants
them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring
blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction,
or lying down.
THUNDER:
This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans
remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary
to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting,
rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET:
This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy
wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew
the papers all over the house until your person comes home
SOFAS:
Are to dogs as napkins are to people. After eating, it is
polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your
whiskers clean.
BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench
the floor, walls, and themselves. You can help by shaking
vigorously and frequently.
BUMP: The best way to get your humans' attention when
they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE
BUMP:
A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't
get the attention you require..... especially effective when
combined with The Sniff. See above.
LOVE:
Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without
restriction.‹ The best way you can show your love is to wag
your tail. If you're lucky, your humans will love you in return.
If not, you can always sniff their crotches.
A
Dog's-Eye View of Obedience Class
The
(obedience) tests will bore you to death, but with your own
variations you can play forever and score your own way:
HEEL ON LEAD: Walk as slowly as you can, then spring
forward with all your weight.‹ If your handler falls flat
on his face you score 25 points.
RECALL: When your handler shouts at you, assume rock
deafness. On no account sit in front of your handler, because
he will only make you heel. 25 points if your handler loses
his voice.
RETRIEVE THE DUMBBELL: On no account fetch it back,
because he will only throw it away again.‹ If he wants the
stupid piece of wood let him fetch it himself; you will be
helping to train him not to throw away things he really wants
. . . . . you get 5 points every time the handler gets the
dumbbell.
SIT: Stay one inch off the ground at the backend. This
builds muscles and makes your rear legs stronger, which will
help you pull your handler down on the HEEL ON LEAD.
CONCLUSION: Do any exercise you choose perfectly!‹
This will leave your handler thinking that the earlier mistakes
were his fault, and he will take you to training classes week
after week.
A
(K)night Like This
It
was a bitter cold winter's day, a very long time ago when knighthood
was in flower, as the saying goes. Sir Galahad, the pride of
King Arthur's round table, set forth on a mission of derring-do.
The weather turned worse and soon the light snow grew to blizzard
proportions. Galahad's horse, stumbling and exhausted, might
have collapsed in another minute, but fortunately toward nightfall
they came across Shapiro's tavern. Grateful for this unexpected
sanctuary, Sir Galahad rushed inside and warmed himself by the
fire. His horse, poor creature, was bedded in the stable, safe
at last from the howling elements.
"Mr. Shapiro," said the knight, "if you will
provide me with another horse I will be on my way."
"What's the big rush in such rotten weather?" Shapiro
wanted to know.
"I'm thinking of slaying a dragon," answered Sir Galahad.
"I'll save you some of the meat."
"Feh! Dragon flaish my people don't eat!
But no matter, a horse I haven't got for you anyway."
"But I'm a bold knight," protested Sir Galahad. "If
you haven't a horse for me, how about that big Saint Bernard
lying there by the fire? A dog that size should be able to carry
me easily."
"Sir Galahad," thundered Shapiro indignantly, "I
wouldn't even consider sending a knight out on a dog like this!"
—Encyclopedia
of Jewish Humor From Biblical Times to the Modern Age,
ed. Henry D. Spalding (NY: Jonathan David, 1979), p. 131
You
know you are a dog person when....
* Your jewelry box contains no jewels — just those fasteners
from vari-kennels.
* Everytime you read the name, Bob, you think the guy's first
name is Best of Breed.
* You ask your vet whether you can ride in her sports car sometime
* Your house isn't carpeted — the fuzzy furballs under
your feet are soft enough.
* Your hungry husband comes home from work, lifts the cover
of the pan on the stove and says, "Is this people food or dog
food?"
* Your hungry husband once ate the dog food and asked for seconds.
* Your mother-in-law keeps asking when you are going to have
children.
* You don't give a second thought to using the brush you just
used on your dog to give a quick run through your own hair.
* At your dinner parties, you always double check the butter
before putting it on the table.
* You put important papers in your latest issue of your breed
magazine. You know you will find them there.
* You have dog hair stuck on tape on wrapped gifts.
* You have dog toy/treats in your briefcase. -10 pictures of
your dogs, but you can't locate any pictures of your kids to
send to grandma.
* You show up at the car dealer's with a ruler, to measure and
see whether your big dog crate will fit. Before the actual purchase,
you make the dealer cringe by insisting that you load both crates
and dog into the shiny, new vehicle to make sure it works.
* You can't get the groceries in the car because (a) it's already
full of dog food or (b) you have that big old crate in there.
* You visit relatives only if there is a dog show nearby.
* You remove all the seats from the van except the two in the
front so you have room for crates.
* The passenger seat is full of dog stuff.
* You cringe at the price of food in the grocery store, but
think nothing of the cost of dog food or treats.
* You have six squeaky hedgehogs.....but only one with a squeaky
that works.
* Your mother knows the implication of a "major breaking."
* You put popcorn in the clean dog dish for a movie treat.
* You pull out your credit card and little bits of liver are
stuck to it.
* When you get your latest roll of film, there isn't a single
picture of a two-legged person in in it.
* People at work have stopped offering you their lint brushes.
They realize it is a hopeless case.
* Friends no longer ask, "how was your weekend"; they ask, "how
did the dogs do?"
* All babies and youngsters are "people puppies."
—— Reprinted from Springfield Kennel Club's Agility
Entry Confirmation (1999)
Top
Reasons Dogs Can't Use Computers
15.
TrO{gO HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,. ("Too hard
to type with paws!")
14.
Distracted by cats chasing the mouse.
13.
SIT and STAY were hard enough; DELETE and SAVE are out of
the question!
12.
Saliva coated floppy disks refuse to work.
11.
Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.
10.
Still trying to come up with an emoticon that signifies tail
wagging.
9.
Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
8.
Keep bruising noses trying to catch that virtual Frisbee.
7.
Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing
www.pethouse.com instead of working.
6.
Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
5.
Can't help attacking the screen when they hear, "You've Got
Mail."
4. Too difficult to "mark" every web site they visit.
3. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
2. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
1. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '98.
Top
Ten Donahue Topics if Dogs Ran the Show
10.
Worm Pill Addicts
9. Dogs Who Use Cat Doors
8. Post-Neutering Depression
7. Lady Mud Wrestlers (Well, they're not going to change everything
about the show)
6.
Korea: The Evil Empire
5.
Those Romantic Pocano Tick Baths
4. Falling in Love With Your Vet
3. Owners Who Eat Your Leftovers
2. Why Quayle?
1.
When to Stop Licking Yourself
—David Letterman, Steve O'Donnell, et al., The "Late
Night With David Letterman" Book of Top Ten Lists
(NY: Pocket Books, 1990), p. 61
Top
Ten Ways Life Would be Different if Dogs Ran the World
10.
More Donahue shows about shedding
9. Presidential candidates more likely to stop in mid-speech
and sniff base of podium
8. Cats must report address to Post Office every year
7. Procter and Gamble introduce new liver-flavored Crest
6.
Drinking from toilet no longer considered a faux pas
5. Museums filled with still lifes of table scraps
4. Constitutional amendment extends vote to wolves
3. TV commercials altered so dog catches and devours little
chuckwagon
2. Monument in Washington to "Our Neutered Brothers"
1. All motorists must drive with head out of car window
—David Letterman, Steve O'Donnell, et al.,The "Late
Night With David Letterman" Book of Top Ten Lists
(NY: Pocket Books, 1990), p. 90
Crazy
like a dog
During the First World War, the Czechs are not enthusiastic
about fighting for the Austro-Hungarian Empire, and so they
seek to avoid military service. The army physicians, for their
part, are therefore very suspicious of Czech draftees and often
err on the side of caution (as they see it) by sending to the
front even men who are genuinely ill. One healthy Czech almost
manages to avoid service by pretending to be crazy. He (almost)
succeeds where others failed because, rather than, say, pretending
to think he is Napoleon, he pretends he thinks he is a dog.
His act is almost perfect. He shows up at the draft board naked,
crawls about on the floor on all fours, and during a brief moment
in the corner, even demonstrates to the doctor that he is not
yet housebroken. Naturally, anyone would think such a man insane.
The doctor therefore finally declares him unfit for service.
At this point, unfortunately, the poor Czech takes a good thing
too far. In order to express his joy (while staying in character,
of course), he runs over to the doctor and bites him on the
leg. Upon seeing such aggressive behavior, the doctor promptly
crosses out the old classification and announces, "Fit
for service!"
adapted from the great World War I satire, The Good Soldier
·vejk,
by Jaroslav Ha‰ek
Sleep-deprived
An exhausted-looking man dragged himself into the doctor's office.
"Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark
all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep." "I
have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through
a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping
pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble
will be over." "Great," the man answered, "I'll try anything.
Let's give it a shot." A few weeks later the man returned, looking
worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired
than before!" "I don't understand how that could be," said
the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills
on the market!" "That may be true," answered the man wearily,
"but I'm up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally
catch one, I'm lucky if I can get him to swallow the pill!
"
Whoever
coined the phrase, "Let Sleeping Dogs Lie," didn't share
a bed with dogs.
The first thing you discover when you bring a dog into your
bed is the striking difference in weight between an alert, awake
dog and a dog at rest.
•
Rule Number One: The deeper the sleep, the heavier the dog.
Most people who sleep with dogs develop spinal deformities
rather than rent the heavy equipment necessary to move their
snoring canines to a more appropriate part of the bed. Cunning
canines steal precious space in tiny increments until they
have achieved the center position on the bed — with all
covers carefully tucked under them for safekeeping. The stretch
and roll method is very effective in gaining territory. Less
subtle tactics are sometimes preferred. A jealous dog can
worm his way between a sleeping couple and, with the proper
spring action from all four legs, shove a sleeping human to
the floor.
•
Rule Number Two: Dogs possess superhuman strength while on
a bed. As you cling to the edge of the bed, wishing you had
covers, your sweet pup begins to snore at a volume you would
not have thought possible. Once that quiets down, the dog
dreams begin. Yipping, growling, running, kicking. Your bed
becomes a battlefield and playground of canine fantasy. It
starts out with a bit of "sleep running," lots of eye movement
and then, suddenly, a shrieking howl blasted through the night
like a banshee wail. The horror of this wake-up call haunts
you for years. It's particularly devastating when your pup
insists on sleeping curled around your head like a demented
Daniel Boone cap.
•
Rule Number Three: The deeper the sleep, the louder the dog.
The night creeps on and you fall asleep in the 3 inches of
bed not claimed by a dog. The dog dreams quiet slightly and
the heap of dogflesh sleeps breathing heavily and passing
wind. Then, too soon, it's dawn and the heap stirs. Each dog
has a distinctive and unpleasant method of waking the pack.
One may position itself centimeters from a face and stare
until you wake. The clever dog obtains excellent results by
simply sneezing on your face, or it could romp all over your
sleeping bodies. And then there is the ever-loving insertion
of a tongue in an unsuspecting ear.
•
Rule Number Four: When the dog wakes—you wake. So, why
do we put up with this? There's no sane reason. Perhaps it's
just that we're a pack and a pack heaps together at night—safe,
contented, heavy and loud.
Author Unknown
[*
to which one might add: Even if you banish the dog from the
bed itself, he will attack it if he is allowed to sleep nearby
stealthily pulling the covers onto the floor and tucking them
under his own snoring body {cf. no. 1, above}—JW]
That
Personal Touch
The two lovers had been separated for many weeks. Now they were
together, exchanging endearments as do lovers the world over.
"I'll tell you a secret, darling," she murmured. "Whenever
I received a letter from you I always kissed the back of the
envelope because I knew you had sealed it with your very own
sweet lips."
"Well," he stammered, "that's not quite accurate.
I always moistened the envelope on Rover's wet nose."
—Encyclopedia
of Jewish Humor From Biblical Times to the Modern Age,
ed. Henry D. Spalding (NY: Jonathan David, 1979), p. 135
Faithful
Dog
A
fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an
equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.
At a kennel specializing in a certain breed, they found a
dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch
the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him
to look up Psalm 23, he complied with equal speed, using his
paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal,
and went home. That night they had friends over. They were
so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills,that
they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were
impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of
the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold,
as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks or attended to
such fundamental matters as basic obedience training. Well,
they said to themselves, "Let's try this out." Once more they
called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's
forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his
head.
Untranslatable
"Mit
meinem Hund hab' ich einen Zustand in meinem Geschäft!
Erst hatte ich einen Kommis namens Katz: da hat der Hund den
Katz gebissen. Ich habe schließlich den Katz entlassen
müssen. Der neue Kommis heißt Eckstein—und
nun ist es noch viel schlimmer!
—Salcia Landmann, ed., Jüdische Witze (Munich:
dtv, 1963), pp. 59-60
Jesus
Is Watching
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight
around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player
to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from
the dark, saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped
out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When
he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked
the light back on, and began searching for more valuables. Just
as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires,
clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out,
he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source
of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight
beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed
at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying
to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the hell
are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses" the burglar laughed.
"What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?" "Probably
the same kind of people that would name a Rotweiler Jesus,"
the bird answered.
The
value of a good dog
Poland,
in the 1920s.
Shmuel
wants to buy a dog and goes to the pet store. He stands, fascinated,
before the cage of a giant mastiff.
"300
Zloty," says the pet store owner.
Shmuel
points to an attractive Dobermann.
"500 Zloty," says the pet store owner.
Shmuel
spots a tiny fox terrier. It turns out that this dog costs
1000 Zloty.
Fascinated, Shmuel regards a chihuahua.
"2,000 Zloty,"says the store owner.
"So
tell me," Shmuel says with curiosity, "what do you
charge for no dog at all?"
—Salcia
Landmann, ed., Jüdische Witze (Munich: dtv,
1963), p. 59
The Origin of Pets
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided
the answer to "Where do pets come from?"
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you
walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We
are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how
much you love us."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for
you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection
of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot
see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you
may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will
love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and
Eve.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he
wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals
in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this
new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will
be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them
and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord
and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride.
They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are
worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are
loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion
who will be with them forever and who will see them as they
are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so
they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into
Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme
beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.
HOW MANY DOGS
DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young,
we've got our whole
lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid
burned out
bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring
that's not up to
code.
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Rottweiler: Make me.
Lab: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light
bulb! Can I? Can I?
Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me
while he's busy.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing
off the walls
and furniture.
Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and
he'll do it. By the
time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the
carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep
on the couch.
Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys
in the dark....
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got this
hangover.....
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there....
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs
in a little
circle....
Old English Sheep Dog: I'm sorry, but I don't see a light
bulb?
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz
Cat: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light
bulbs. So the
correct question is: how long will it be before I can expect
light?
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