Cops use chopper to get doughnuts.
Albuquerque: Albuquerque police have taken doughnut runs to new heights, swooping down in an official helicopter for a late-night snack.

"I don't know how they decided that was a good idea," said Lt. Bob Huntsman, department spokesman, who added that the department is investigating.

Keith Turner, who works near a Krispy Kreme doughnut shop, said he was on a break early Thursday when a police helicopter circled and landed in a dirt field nearby.

As the helicopter idled, someone got out and went into the store, returning 10 or 15 minutes later with a Krispy Kreme box, he said.

(Wire Service report, 6 October 2001)

First, an item from the recent past, in order to establish a fitting tone:

• Monday, 18 September 2000

"Suspicious activity 9:19 a.m. An East Pleasant Street resident told police that a man has been using his yard as a bathroom."

As in many of these cases, the dedicated journalist was so intent on conveying the dramatic news to the public that he sacrificed clarity of meaning for punctuality. Because the pronoun's antecedent is unclear, we cannot tell whose yard the man was using "as a bathroom"—presumably a euphemism, but in this town, and with this sort of writing, who can tell?

Put down that doughnut, clear off your desk and dig out that manual of style!

And, so as to show that the élite town of Amherst does not have a monopoly on excitement, a sample from the good town of Hadley:

• "Police said a person contacted them Sept. 25 [2000] at 12:41 p.m. to check a car for the presence of a chemical agent and radioactivity. Police found nothing out of the ordinary during an investigation."

No doubt someone made a bundle in the betting pool when that result was revealed.

The caller in the preceding story was obviously deranged and nervous. The following one, by contrast, was evidently of a much more sanguine disposition:

"Police said they received a call from a Mount Warner Road resident Sept. 28 [2000] at 1:28 p.m. that a hand grenade had been found the previous week."

A sensible reader would of course ask: Why in the world did the person wait a week before turning in such a dangerous object? After all, if you've already had the thing for a week, why not just hang onto it? Was it past its expiration date??

Then again, even the hardened criminal element in Hadley seems to be pretty laid-back:

"A man has been charged with breaking and entering in the nighttime after he was found asleep in the home he broke into, police said.
"[NN], 20, of Gray Street, was arrested Sept. 30 [2000] at 2:02 a.m. on the second floor of a Taylor Street home, police said.
"The homeowner called police when she found [him] inside her house."

Suspicious Activity 10:18 p.m. A Kingman Road resident told police that someone entered her home and moved furniture around. Nothing was reported stolen.

• Tuesday, 27 November 2001

Suspicious Activity 9:13 a.m. A South Pleasant Street woman said she was concerned about a vehicle that uses the driveway as a turnaround every day at 4 p.m.

Suspicious Activity 10:14 p.m. A Woodlot Road resident heard footsteps in her attic. Police found no problems when they got there.

• Sunday, 25 November 2001

Suspicious Activity 12:18 p.m. A vehicle with its motor running in front of Rao's Roastery fled before police got there.

* * *

• Sunday, 17 December 2000

Citizen Assistance 9:26 p.m. Youths who were goofing around with a shopping cart near Ann Whalen Apartments were warned to stop the activity.

• Thursday, 14 September 2000

Suspicious Activity 12:51 a.m., 1:49 a.m. and 4:26 a.m. Police checked on the Cherry Hill Golf Course and found it to be secure.• Sunday, 10 September 2000

Suspicious Activity 8:22 p.m. A Village Park resident reported smelling marijuana at a neighboring apartment. Police said the neighbor was just cooking food.