hot time in the old town tonight
(or: rebels without a cause)
Amherst residents may consider themselves the nec plus altra of cultural sophistication and political morality, but the fact remains that this is in many ways a typical provincial town.
Face it, we're not exactly leading "la vida loca" (or, as we used to say in the 19th century, in what passed for multiculturalism back then, "la vie bohême").

always !
Is life in Amherst stultifying, or, as some sophisticates would have us believe, surreal?

You be the judge.

Witness these highlights from the police blotter of the authoritative Amherst Bulletin. Just the facts, Ma'am:

(If you've already read the intro., just skip to the burning news itself.)

First, an item from the recent past, in order to establish a fitting tone:

• Monday, 18 September 2000

"Suspicious activity 9:19 a.m. An East Pleasant Street resident told police that a man has been using his yard as a bathroom."

As in many of these cases, the dedicated journalist was so intent on conveying the dramatic news to the public that he sacrificed clarity of meaning for punctuality. Because the pronoun's antecedent is unclear, we cannot tell whose yard the man was using "as a bathroom"—presumably a euphemism, but in this town, and with this sort of writing, who can tell?

Put down that doughnut, clear off your desk and dig out that manual of style, man!

And, so as to show that the élite town of Amherst does not have a monopoly on excitement, a sample from the good town of Hadley:

• "Police said a person contacted them Sept. 25 [2000] at 12:41 p.m. to check a car for the presence of a chemical agent and radioactivity. Police found nothing out of the ordinary during an investigation."

No doubt someone made a bundle in the betting pool when that result was revealed.

The caller in the preceding story was obviously deranged and nervous. The following one, by contrast, was evidently of a much more sanguine disposition:

"Police said they received a call from a Mount Warner Road resident Sept. 28 [2000] at 1:28 p.m. that a hand grenade had been found the previous week."

A sensible reader would of course ask: Why in the world did the person wait a week before turning in such a dangerous object? After all, if you've already had the thing for a week, why not just hang onto it? Was it past its expiration date??

Then again, even the hardened criminal element in Hadley seems to be pretty laid-back:

"A man has been charged with breaking and entering in the nighttime after he was found asleep in the home he broke into, police said.
"[NN], 20, of Gray Street, was arrested Sept. 30 [2000] at 2:02 a.m. on the second floor of a Taylor Street home, police said.
"The homeowner called police when she found [him] inside her house."


But without further ado, let us revel in the latest revelations.